By Amy Rowe, Executive Function Coach
Chances are, at some point in the last couple of years, you’ve heard the term “gaslighting.” It comes from Gas Light, a 1938 stage play where a husband tries to make his wife crazy by dimming the gas lights and then, when she points it out, denying he sees it. Today it refers to situations where people (especially people in power) cause you to question your own feelings, reality, and in some cases, sanity.
“But Amy,” you say, “what is self-gaslighting?” I'm glad you asked. That’s when you tell yourself stories like:
"It wasn’t that bad; I’m overreacting."
"I should be over this by now."
"I’m probably making this harder than it needs to be."
We all do it: we blame ourselves, think in “shoulds,” and, as Mama TayTay would say, we assume “I’m the problem, it’s me.”
But you need to stop “shoulding” yourself.
Neurodivergent folks often struggle with depression and anxiety because the world doesn't always get them. Misunderstandings, rejection, and unmet expectations can lead to internalizing the belief that we’re the issue. And let’s be honest; it’s tough to give ourselves a break when the world never seems to.
“So Amy,” you ask, “how do you break the cycle?” Well, I’m so glad you asked. I have some thoughts.
I want you to turn off the inner gaslight and turn on your inner coach.
What do coaches do? They identify problem areas and offer solutions. They encourage. They push. They don’t allow you to say, “I can’t do this.”
For example, when you think:
"I should know how to manage my time by now."
Instead, coach yourself: “Time management is tricky. Let me try different methods until I find one that works.” Try tools like a giant calendar, reminders, a bullet journal, or Google calendar.
"I can never concentrate!"
Your inner coach would say: “I’m having trouble focusing. Time for a quick break.” Try 5–10 minutes of walking or snacking, then come back refreshed. Or switch it up and change to study something else for a while. This is good for your learning (it’s called interleaving and it’s a proven technique to learn more). It will help your brain refocus on something else and hopefully gain some perspective.
"I’m just lazy."
It’s not laziness. You’re overwhelmed by too many tasks and can’t decide where to start. Your inner coach says: “I’ll break it down into parts and tackle the first one.”
Breaking things down into parts can be difficult, so if you’re having trouble with that, try Magic To Do from Goblin Tools. Goblin Tools has a number of executive function assistance tools, so explore the site a bit to see what it offers!
The trick is to recognize when you’re gaslighting yourself, understand why it’s happening, and coach yourself through it.
You process things differently, and that’s totally okay.
The truth is, for you to expect that you will do everything the same as everyone else is just another form of self-gaslighting. It’s okay for you to take a different path to get to the same place. In fact, it will be better for your mental health to do so.
"Okay, Amy," you might say, "I’m ready to be my own coach."
Congrats—you made it through this post! See? You’re already doing great!
Are you interested in creating structure and accountability for your student's next college semester? Does your student need to brush up on their study and note taking skills? Do you know that 'something' needs to change but aren't sure exactly what your college needs to be more successful? Reach out to us for a free conversation about your student's struggles in college. We know it's difficult to watch your student struggle - there is hope. We look forward to talking with you!
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